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Oh hey blog. Been a while. I’ve been tumblin’ and stuff. It’s cool over there. I don’t use caps. You should come by sometime.

So I’m new to fat acceptance/health at any size (henceforth to be referred to as FA/HAES). Many many people have written many things about these concepts, so google it if you haven’t heard of them. Basically, being fat is no more or less worthy of comment than being tall, and my fatness doesn’t give you the right to police my behavior or otherwise treat me as less than human. And I’m 300% on board with that, for sure. Since realizing that I have always been and will always be fat, no matter what I do, I have stopped obsessing about food and judging myself for my food choices, which means a whole lot of stress that just doesn’t exist anymore. In the past year I have hated myself like a fraction of the amount that I hated myself since I turned 11, so that’s pretty good.

I lean more toward the FA side of things since I’m certainly not healthy, regardless of my size. For one thing, I hate exercising. I just do. It is the most boring thing ever. I would rather sit and stare at the wall than get on a treadmill. (Well, not if I could read a book or watch TV or something, but you know what I mean.) But also, I have pain. Joint pain, back pain, ankle pain, whatever. Sure, some of it would go away if I exercised regularly and my muscles started to get used to holding my body up properly, but that’s boring. I’m not terribly concerned because my blood pressure, blood sugar, and all those other numbers are well within normal ranges and my doctor isn’t concerned. She’d like me to lose a bit because I probably shouldn’t have gained 20 lbs over the last year, but that’s definitely due to poor eating habits and I prefer the stress of not thinking about it to dropping a dress size.

Overall I’m still pretty comfortable in my body, most of the time. But there are still some things that inspire self loathing.

1. My partner. He loves me, he loves having sex with me, and he doesn’t need me to change anything about myself. And yet, I can’t help but feel like I’m cheating him out of the hot, skinny partner he would rather have. Usually this sort of thought is inspired by the times we don’t have sex, which I always assume is because I’m not hot enough for him. In this I’m also a victim of the myth that men are always ready to go and that hot women can always get sex when they want it. It’s several layers of insidious thinking but the end result is me feeling ugly and feeling stupid for feeling ugly and feeling uglier for being stupid. Usually this doesn’t last long, thankfully,

2. Remember that pain I mentioned earlier? About two years ago I started getting terrible pain in my heels every time I walked, along with aches in my big toe joints when I stood on my tiptoes or twisted the wrong way. I assumed it was a function of getting older and/or fatter, but when I finally went to the doctor I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis in my heels and arthritis in my toes. She told me to do some calf stretches and got me some custom shoe inserts with incredibly high arch supports, and the pain went away for a while. Then I changed jobs to one where I stand around all day on a concrete floor, and now my heels hurt all the time. Also due to changing jobs, I don’t have good insurance and can’t go back and beg for more help.

I am fully aware that this is an actual condition unrelated to my body size. My mother, who is very healthy and walks several miles a day, also had plantar fasciitis and does stretches to stay pain-free. However, I can’t help but think that if I weighed less, my feet wouldn’t hurt so bad. Logically I know that it would probably only make a measurable difference if I lost ALL of the 100 lbs I would need to be in the “normal” BMI range, but I still hate my fat a little bit every time I take a step,

I have no conclusion to this. Neither of these things is going to inspire me to actually eat the bag of salad in the fridge before it goes bad, nor will I suddenly start a Wii Fit regimen and stick to it like a Christian counting down to the Rapture. I’m having a hard time doing things like brushing my teeth without multiple reminders. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge what’s in your head and move on.

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